Getting Back to Love
Last Sunday, I heard a message the challenged me on many levels. You know, those sermons that speak to you so deeply you can only smile and say “Amen, Lord. Message received. I’ll obey. The details aren’t terribly important, but the underlying message is. The fundamentals of love. For the purposes of this blog, I’m referring to agape love. You know, love...a word that comes and goes, but few people really know, what it means to really love, somebody. Ok, enough Kirk Franklin!
As I shared in a speech earlier this week, so many people will tell you know they know me- but what they really mean is they’ve been around me- perhaps at an event, or a speech, maybe even on a job, or a board maybe even at church or a membership organization. But really KNOW me...ahhh that’s another story. I mean- How much can we really know one another. Many of us say “Jesus’ love was unconditional and I want that kind of love from my fellow brothers and sisters.” While his love for us is boundless, and beyond our comprehension, it comes with expectations that we mirror his love by keeping his commandments. Jesus said if you love me you’ll keep my commandments. He also says that others will know we love him, by the love we show.
If you love freely, what rules do carry for those who love you? I tend to love pretty freely. And while I love from afar- I don’t need to talk daily, or even text daily- but when I love you, I’m loyal and dependable for life, and I don’t instantly expect it in return if God has called me to love you. That said, once I do accept your love- whether my friend, spouse, child, or family member, I admit, my expectations of how I’m loved can be high. I don’t really believe in that golden rule. We are not created the same~ nor should we expect that our desires are the same. Therefore, to love me the way you want to be loved is a set up for failed expectations.
I find that I expect those who truly know me, and choose to truly love me, to love with awareness of my need for respect, integrity, honesty, transparency, and effort. For example, for me, when conflict arises, it’s not enough that a person didn’t intend to cause harm, I need to know that if you love me, you put effort into avoiding harm. That you listen and observe when I share the things that will cause damage to our relationship, to me, or my goals and you work to avoid those things. But, the more I ponder the calling of love, I’m convicted...if I love you, don’t I have a responsibility to know the weaknesses of your love as well as your strengths, and to expect a certain amount of failure to fulfill MY needs and expectations?
I’ve ALWAYS battled with the expectation that people will fail you- so why bother. Early on in life, I lost two parents, the first when I was almost two, the second when I was ten, a third at 18, and a fourth at 25. So, I decided, people would fail you by dying, so it was best not to get too close. Later in life, I discovered many other ways that people fail one another, and I was certainly aware of the ways I would fail others, and made it known up front (If you KNOW me, you KNOW this!). But, if you’re gonna live this life, you’re gonna need people, so I had to give up that false expectation of going it solo, and learn to lean on people and accept love, but navigating the terms- oh that’s still a journey.
Yet and still, I justified avoiding those individuals who burned the line of the boundaries with that old saying of “I forgive you, I’m just guarding my boundaries.” But, how so? Recently I had two individuals who crossed the line of my love expectations in significant enough ways that I wanted to create a buffer for myself with them. Now, when I say that, I wasn’t done showing them love, but I wanted to be done accepting love from them. You know how it is when we’re hurt, and we convince ourselves that we’re better off not accepting any friendship or love from a person to avoid the set-up of being hurt again?
What became clear very quickly is that when I blocked their ability to show me love, in their own way, I also blocked their ability to receive my love. They could not accept it as genuine or dependable. They could not trust it. Now, in my heart, I had forgiven them both. But, I had more work to do, and we could both feel it. I didn’t want to discuss the situations, because I didn’t want an apology, I wanted to know it would never happen again, and I couldn’t trust that it wouldn’t. But, is that love? Love teaches, love chastises and corrects. Love admonishes. And yet…love knows.
Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is all knowing. Love looks beyond the situation of the moment and says our love, our relationship is worth me investing the work to speak my heart, to share what went wrong, to not expect you to read my mind and know what you did wrong, but to give you the opportunity to hear me, to truly hear me, and to try to make it right. Love even says, maybe I’ll find out I was wrong, too, and the situation wasn’t exactly as I thought it was. Or, even if it was, I love myself enough to speak my truth and show love, even as I am hurt.
The world could use more love. We can’t live in this world, in relationship with one another without having conflicts. The question is, what will we do when we have conflicts? Will we passively let them slide by until too many accumulate for us to overlook, and then we call it quits? Will we erupt at every turn? Or will we let love teach, correct, heal, and cover? Will grace prevail? I pray so.
